Shaked? Baked.

Something went wrong with the new diet. It was really interesting. I started feeling as though something was just wrong. And I had that old sense that I used to get when I'd overeat all the time, that somehow eating would make me feel better. Even if I was already really full, I'd have this strong urge to eat as a curative measure.

So, that came back over the course of a few days, and peaked yesterday. At least I hope it was the peak. Sort of.

I think transitioning over to the grains and beans so suddenly from a primarily vegetable diet, was maybe a bit jarring to my lower brain. My suspicion is that the extra sugars are what did it.

It's kind of cool actually. Sort of hallucinatory. When I was little, growing up on a diet heavy in whole grains, I experienced mild hallucinations the whole time. Nothing major, but if I sat quietly and stared off into space, I'd perceive a kind of movement in whatever I was looking at, sort of a gentle fluctuation.

And that's started to come back over the past few days. When I was a kid, I really enjoyed the sensation, especially since I just figured it was normal, and that I should sit and watch the world move.

So, I'm not sure exactly what to do now. Part of me is like, "weeee!" And the other part is like, "my preference is to not gain back all that weight." So, my inner parent and child are arguing about whether we should leave the park to go do homework, or wait for the ice cream truck jingle to sound closer and closer.

It's a little nerve-wracking, because yesterday I kind of pigged out on apples, nuts, a couple bites of cheese, and some entrées from the macrobiotic restaurant. I gave myself a .5 for the day.

I think my plan is going to be: go back to my old way of eating, and just add my new style gradually, and try to include more veggies alongside the grains and beans.

Not sure what else I can do. Plus I'm essentially tripping, so my judgment is a lot more easygoing. I'm like, "mmmmm, I bet it'd be fun to just see what happens....."

Shaking Things Up

So, I managed to get back on my diet. But now I've quit my job; which means I'm trying to get away from the restaurant-centric diet, and do more cooking at home, to save money.

So, instead of focusing on salads and macrobiotic/vegetarian meals, I'm shifting to foods that are relatively easy to prepare at home. I can cook pretty well when I have to, but honestly I just don't want to spend all that time doing it. My preference is to cook up a big batch of something-or-other, and then eat that for a few days, before cooking up another batch of something else.

Vegetables are still super healthy, and super low calorie; so I'm incorporating them into my new diet. Mainly I'll buy many bags of frozen veggies, and steam them. Whole Foods has organic frozen veggies, that are actually priced competitively to the lower-quality Western Beef options, that my roommate had kept recommending to me. (When he first came with me to Whole Foods, he couldn't wrap his head around it for awhile, then finally said he might start going to Whole Foods for his frozen veggies.)

Aside from that, the really healthy foods are whole grains, and beans. Both of which Whole Foods has in bulk, and organic.

So, for example, consider this collard green, mung bean, quinoa, sardine arrangement (not all mixed together, but just in terms of quantities):

http://nutritiondata.self.com/facts/recipe/1847443/2

It's 1600 calories, and it's basically everything I need for the day. The 1 cup of beans and the 1 cup of quinoa probably cook up to about 4 cups of actual chomp material. So that and the vegetables and sardines add up to a really huge feast. Plenty to last through lunch and dinner.

The 1600 calories is actually a bit lower than what I want; so that leaves room for some nuts and fruit, if I want to give in to the snack urge.

But the above recipe isn't actually something I spent a lot of time designing; it just so happens that when you mix up a vegetable, a grain, a bean, and a tin of sardines, you're very likely to get a fairly complete meal. Though those particular choices are healthier than most.

The problem is that this is a pretty big change for me. For the past long while, grains and beans have been a very small part of my diet. I'm not sure what kind of effect it'll have on me, to change it up like this, all of a sudden. Hopefully it won't induce those awful cravings, or bring back the exhaustion.

And hopefully I won't get too bored of the dull flavor of my own home-cooked meals.

I still need to figure out some cooking protocols, so I don't have to make too much of a mess, or spend too much thought on storing the foods once they're cooked, or worry about how to measure out the proper amount for any given day.

All that stuff needs to be attended to.

So basically I'm going to keep my eyes open, and watch for signs that I may be losing balance. The last time I tried cooking for myself, it precipitated falling off the wagon. This time, somehow, I think I'll be able to make it work. Yesterday I actually cooked and ate the recipe above, and it was excellent. It's a lot blander than I'm used to; but I don't really mind. And I'm looking into herbs and spices that'll hopefully add variety to a set of staples that wouldn't otherwise have much variety to them.

On Falling On

So, after I fell off the wagon and started eating bad, I actually managed to get back on the diet using the method I'd decided on: that 'day at a time' spreadsheet. I let go of the fact that I'd done the bad eating, and tried not to think about future bad eatings, but only paid attention to the present day's upcoming meals. And I gave myself a daily score indicating how well I'd eaten that day.

The point of the daily score is not to create a set of stats I can use later. Or to figure out whether to punish myself or not, or anything like that. The point of the daily score is to allow myself to let go of whatever I did that day. I ate that extra appetizer or whatever, I recognized it by including it in my score, and now I can move on. That particular little failing can be left behind, in the score for that one day, and now I have a chance to earn a top score for the new day.

That's how I think about it. And so, taking that approach, I was able to get back on the good diet right away. The big "falling off the wagon" moment lasted only a single day, the day that I did it.

But I did make some changes. For one thing, I stopped snacking. Or at least, I tightened up on the snacks a lot. I still might have some nuts once in awhile, but mainly I just don't snack between meals. The things that are still allowable are the two hardboiled eggs, and the tin of sardines; but those aren't snacks so much as they're things that I'd include with my meal if they didn't tend to dominate the flavor of the meal too much.

And I stopped going to regular restaurants. Or at least, I tightened up on that too. But the fact is, sometimes there's going to be a social occasion, and it'll be hard to get out of ordering off a regular menu; and I should be able to tolerate that. So there was one time last week, that my cousins were in town, and they took me to this great Jewish deli uptown, and I had some kind of scrambled egg with fish meal, and a bagel. So, lots of grease, salt, and refined flour. It was so good.

So, that day I got a score of .5 out of a possible 1.0; so, a very low score.

But in terms of going out to eat with friends, I basically stopped taking them to regular restaurants. In fact, I'm implementing a new experiment, where I keep a lot of herbs and spices and whatnot at my apartment, and I have my friends over to cook. The way it works is, they bring some meat or whatever, and cook it up using the stuff I keep around, so they're happy; and I cook my own food. So if they want a lot of salt and grease, that's cool, and I'll have my veggies and whole grains. That way we still get to hang out at mealtimes, which is really one of the best and most convenient ways to hang out, I think.

So basically I got back on the diet, and even tightened it up a bit, and ended up losing another 4 or 5 lbs right away, so I went down to 177 lbs. A friend of mine hung out with me yesterday after not seeing me for awhile, and said I looked "bony". That was the first time anyone had called me that in decades. In fact, I can't remember anyone ever saying that about me.

I plateaued at 177 though, and I've been there for a week, which is really fine. I don't want to force the weight issue. I imagine if I keep eating the way I'm eating, I'll gradually lose the rest of the weight.

Because I'm still overweight, according to the BMI. I have to lose another 6 or 7 lbs in order to be considered to have a 'normal' weight. And even then, that would only put me at the high end of the 'normal' scale.

But basically, hallelujah! My big 'falling off the wagon' experience became just a momentary thing instead of the total failure I was terrified it would become. I feel like it was a close shave; and I credit the whole 'day at a time' concept, that I borrowed from AA, for pulling me through.