I recently started sharing my Google Calendar with a few people. This was initially a little scary, because I put everything on my calendar. Any event that I might want to remember goes on there. It's how I organize my life.
And since I'm an open relationship person in a world where open relationship people can have any variety of ideas about how connected they want to be - or don't want to be - to the other romances in their lovers' lives, I've been reluctant to share my calendar with the people I date, even though it would make it a lot easier for all of us to navigate our multiple-relationship plan-making issues.
But I did start to share my calendar with certain close friends like Kat and Kar and Maria, just because it would make it easier to make plans, and it would also be a way of just passively allowing each other to know what's up in our lives. It was a way to be closer!
For awhile I figured I'd just keep it to that kind of close friend, and not share my calendar with anyone else, specifically anyone who might be jealous if they saw who else I was seeing. But I realized that an interesting thing has been happening in my relationships - I'm tending to get into relationships with people who are truly unconcerned about jealousy issues, and who on the contrary are excited to hang out with the other people I date. This really suits my own temperament, because I also feel that jealousy is not a devastating problem, and I'm excited to hang out with my lovers' other lovers.
So I invited Lena and Lauren to share my calendar. Originally I was hanging out with Lena yesterday, and we were talking about the difficulties of making plans when there were multiple relationships to navigate. And we both felt that sharing calendars could have weirdness, the way leaving a toothbrush at someone's house, or meeting their parents, are potentially some kind of 'step forward' in a relationship; but we both also felt that it really didn't have to have weirdness, and could be no more than a convenience.
Just on the topic of meeting parents - I've inadvertently freaked out quite a number of women with that, because I don't attach any significance to meeting my parents beyond the fact that my parents are cool and we should hang out with them; while the other person was thinking, "OMFG is this boy planning our wedding??? It's our second date!!!"
So I shared my calendar with Lena, and she shared hers with me, and then this morning I wondered who else I might want to invite to share my calendar; so I invited Lauren too. But then Lauren had an interesting response - she felt like having that kind of information about me was a little too invasive; and the fact that I'd shared it seemed a little out of character.
So we talked about it a bit, and she decided she was cool having the info about me if I didn't mind, but she didn't feel comfy sharing her calendar with me in reciprocation. So that's how we ended it - she'll keep hers private, and I've shared mine with her.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Blink your eyes if you want to die.
Yesterday I attended a kink group, where the topic was "Menace". ****'s boyfriend *** was the presenter, and a lot of the attendees had also been to his party, so I found I knew the majority of the people already, in fact I realized I'd already seen quite a few of them naked. Everyone was really warm and welcoming, and some of the people who hadn't really paid much attention to me at the party made a point of coming up and saying hi, which was really nice. And I got a chance to continue conversations with other people who'd been there.
***'s presentation was very teacherly. He wore a suit, and had a very friendly way of talking; which contrasted sharply with his various demonstrations. As **** and others went up to the front of the class to be menaced, he would demonstrate a variety of techniques. He would become very menacing for a bit, and make the other person extremely uncomfortable or afraid; and then he would drop right out of it and be his friendly, chatty instructor self again.
There was a lot of really interesting stuff in the lecture, and most interesting of all (for me) was how it gave me all kinds of thoughts about how I might menace a loved one, and how cool those various things would be.
My very favorite part of the whole event came towards the end. He approached one of the women sitting in the front row, and began to make a point about how eye contact could be part of being menacing; and how controlling eye contact could be effective. There was a particular moment that was just so great, that I'll describe in a moment.
First he held one of his menacing props (a big, intentionally dull knife) up at her, and in a low voice told her not to look at him. He threatened her and intimidated her with the knife, insisting that she not look at him for even an instant.
Then he seemed to drop out of the 'scene', and addressed the group again in his friendly way, explaining that he had just menaced her with a combination of his knife, and his commands that she not look at him; but he said this could also go the other way - he could command her to look only at him.
And with that he entered back into the 'scene', brandishing his knife at her, and telling her in the same low voice to maintain eye contact under all circumstances. The knife passed before her face, close to her cheek, but she couldn't look at it, she had to continue to stare up into his face, into his eyes, as he stood over her.
He continued to hold her gaze for a few more moments, aggressively and threateningly repeating his command that she not look away even for an instant.
At that point, he said to the rest of us, "now of course as the menacer, I can look away if I want to." And he proceeded to speak again to the group in his friendly way, looking round at us, but this time he continued to menace her with his knife. "She's still subject to my commands, so she has to keep her eyes always on my face, but I can look wherever I want. You see?" And sure enough, as he spoke, she kept her eyes always on him, her face fearful and aware of the closeness of the knife. He went on, "I can look around at all of you; I'm free, you see; I can do what I want. I can blink!" And all of a sudden the whole room, including the woman under his knife, realized that whether or not she'd been blinking as she looked at him before, she'd better not blink again. Then he returned his attention to her, taunting her with the knife, saying, "you really want to blink now, don't you?" And she could only nod, struggling to hold her eyes open, as he continued to menace her and threaten her with the knife if she so much as moved her eyes away from his or blinked even once.
Finally he released her from the scene, and continued the discussion. But that moment when he so off-handedly revealed to his subject this extremely difficult and unexpected requirement, that was my favorite part of the whole event.
Another very interesting idea that didn't get discussed really at all during the talk, was the timing of how a 'scene' might end. In each of ***'s demonstrations, he would bring the action to a certain fever pitch, and then break it off; and with the woman I just described, it seemed as though he knew just when she was not going to be able to keep herself from blinking, and he broke it off just before that moment came.
In some cases there were time limits, such as counting down - or forcing the other person to count down - to some kind of punishment. In fact at the very end, *** himself invited someone up to menace him, and she used a countdown as part of the 'scene'. But whether there was a countdown or not, each 'scene' came to an end at the very peak of menace and tension between the two people.
The idea of the top staying aware of how far they were pushing the other person, and when the right time would be to break out of the action, was not really discussed, but it's something I'm really interested in myself.
I have a tendency, when I'm menacing someone, or when I'm taking them to a very uncomfortable place, of going too quickly, and - as **** puts it - "skipping levels". And the idea of understanding the timing inherent in the other person, the exact moment to take someone to a next step, is something that really fascinates me. And it seems like something that very experienced doms like *** have very good control over.
***'s presentation was very teacherly. He wore a suit, and had a very friendly way of talking; which contrasted sharply with his various demonstrations. As **** and others went up to the front of the class to be menaced, he would demonstrate a variety of techniques. He would become very menacing for a bit, and make the other person extremely uncomfortable or afraid; and then he would drop right out of it and be his friendly, chatty instructor self again.
There was a lot of really interesting stuff in the lecture, and most interesting of all (for me) was how it gave me all kinds of thoughts about how I might menace a loved one, and how cool those various things would be.
My very favorite part of the whole event came towards the end. He approached one of the women sitting in the front row, and began to make a point about how eye contact could be part of being menacing; and how controlling eye contact could be effective. There was a particular moment that was just so great, that I'll describe in a moment.
First he held one of his menacing props (a big, intentionally dull knife) up at her, and in a low voice told her not to look at him. He threatened her and intimidated her with the knife, insisting that she not look at him for even an instant.
Then he seemed to drop out of the 'scene', and addressed the group again in his friendly way, explaining that he had just menaced her with a combination of his knife, and his commands that she not look at him; but he said this could also go the other way - he could command her to look only at him.
And with that he entered back into the 'scene', brandishing his knife at her, and telling her in the same low voice to maintain eye contact under all circumstances. The knife passed before her face, close to her cheek, but she couldn't look at it, she had to continue to stare up into his face, into his eyes, as he stood over her.
He continued to hold her gaze for a few more moments, aggressively and threateningly repeating his command that she not look away even for an instant.
At that point, he said to the rest of us, "now of course as the menacer, I can look away if I want to." And he proceeded to speak again to the group in his friendly way, looking round at us, but this time he continued to menace her with his knife. "She's still subject to my commands, so she has to keep her eyes always on my face, but I can look wherever I want. You see?" And sure enough, as he spoke, she kept her eyes always on him, her face fearful and aware of the closeness of the knife. He went on, "I can look around at all of you; I'm free, you see; I can do what I want. I can blink!" And all of a sudden the whole room, including the woman under his knife, realized that whether or not she'd been blinking as she looked at him before, she'd better not blink again. Then he returned his attention to her, taunting her with the knife, saying, "you really want to blink now, don't you?" And she could only nod, struggling to hold her eyes open, as he continued to menace her and threaten her with the knife if she so much as moved her eyes away from his or blinked even once.
Finally he released her from the scene, and continued the discussion. But that moment when he so off-handedly revealed to his subject this extremely difficult and unexpected requirement, that was my favorite part of the whole event.
Another very interesting idea that didn't get discussed really at all during the talk, was the timing of how a 'scene' might end. In each of ***'s demonstrations, he would bring the action to a certain fever pitch, and then break it off; and with the woman I just described, it seemed as though he knew just when she was not going to be able to keep herself from blinking, and he broke it off just before that moment came.
In some cases there were time limits, such as counting down - or forcing the other person to count down - to some kind of punishment. In fact at the very end, *** himself invited someone up to menace him, and she used a countdown as part of the 'scene'. But whether there was a countdown or not, each 'scene' came to an end at the very peak of menace and tension between the two people.
The idea of the top staying aware of how far they were pushing the other person, and when the right time would be to break out of the action, was not really discussed, but it's something I'm really interested in myself.
I have a tendency, when I'm menacing someone, or when I'm taking them to a very uncomfortable place, of going too quickly, and - as **** puts it - "skipping levels". And the idea of understanding the timing inherent in the other person, the exact moment to take someone to a next step, is something that really fascinates me. And it seems like something that very experienced doms like *** have very good control over.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Play parties can be nice.
Last night I went to a play party at Lena's boyfriend Rob's apartment; essentially a bunch of their friends, though people from further out at the periphery of their circle have been known to just show up. It was my first time being to that kind of party, where everyone basically knew each other, or at least had multiple friends there.
There was much flogging, fire, electricity, and even some needles. No sex though - it's a no-intercourse play party. It seemed as though everyone had tons of fun. It was basically the same as a regular party, with snacks on a table, and lots of smiling people conversating about this and that; except once in awhile we'd realize that someone somewhere was up against a wall being beaten; or tied up with a bag over their head, having fire applied to their skin; or that would suddenly happen to someone right where we were hanging out. Or a variety of other fun things.
I'm basically a little shy in groups, though people who know me one-on-one often are surprised to learn that. In groups, my face doesn't feel as though it animates the right way, and this can sometimes come off as a little creepy - which is not the vibe you want anywhere in a play party.
So, hopefully I didn't give off the creepy vibe to anyone. It was also easier to be not-shy than it might have been, because Lena gave me a lot of attention, mostly in the form of smiles and hugs. And she and I and Rob played with some electricity and other implements briefly; but that was a little overwhelming, so later we decided to have more negotiation before playing again.
The party started at about 10:00 PM and only went till a little before 2:00 AM, so not a very long party; eventually most people left, but a few crashed out on the couches and the floor mattress. In the morning, Lena came out of Rob's room and hung out with me briefly, since I have the always-wakes-up-early curse; and before she went back in to sleep more she got me a batch of books to read while I waited for everyone else to wake up.
One of the books she brought out was "HaltinG StatE" by Charles Stross. I don't know why I picked that one out of the pile, but after a few initial confusing chapters, it suddenly snapped into focus and I got really into the story!
I essentially never read any sci-fi anymore, although just after I learned to read, it was almost exclusively my preference. Nowadays most sci-fi seems poorly written, with flat characters, overly linear narratives, and just a total lack of any attention to life itself.
The Stross book suffers a little bit less from those problems, though it's not entirely free of them. But the reason I got so into it was because it's all about the geeky world I inhabit. Large numbers of technologies I read about every day are represented there in some relatively realistic future form. My own employer is mentioned multiple times. And it's so cool to hear someone speculate on what the future might be like, relative to what we've got now. It's like reading "Neuromancer", but more pop geek.
So, much to my surprise, I'm actually enjoying it! I still don't know what made me pick it out of a stack of books that included some prime Lovecraft, but apparently this is yet further proof that I should continue to trust my instincts. I'm so glad I learned that lesson long ago.
At about 11:00 AM people started waking up. Ken, who'd slept on the other couch, started folding blankets, putting away the food, and gathering the dishes. So I helped. At one point I remarked, "it's so considerate of you to do all this cleaning," and he replied, "it's what I do." Later I found out he's really into service.
So we cleaned a bit, and people started stumbling into the shower, and then we went to their favorite diner and hung out some more. Hanging out in the morning was not a very shy experience - there were fewer people, and I felt like one of the family. It was very nice.
But really, I was still very tired. After food I went home, and that's where I am now. I plan to spend the day resting, and maybe Lauren will come over later after her date with a newish OK Cupid friend. Maybe I'll watch movies, maybe I'll eat chocolate, maybe I'll code on my web app, maybe I'll read more "HaltinG StatE", maybe I'll read some "Omaha The Cat Dancer", maybe I'll see if Will wants to hang out a bit, and during any of that I'll definitely have some nice non-caffeinated tea.
Yesterday was really good.
There was much flogging, fire, electricity, and even some needles. No sex though - it's a no-intercourse play party. It seemed as though everyone had tons of fun. It was basically the same as a regular party, with snacks on a table, and lots of smiling people conversating about this and that; except once in awhile we'd realize that someone somewhere was up against a wall being beaten; or tied up with a bag over their head, having fire applied to their skin; or that would suddenly happen to someone right where we were hanging out. Or a variety of other fun things.
I'm basically a little shy in groups, though people who know me one-on-one often are surprised to learn that. In groups, my face doesn't feel as though it animates the right way, and this can sometimes come off as a little creepy - which is not the vibe you want anywhere in a play party.
So, hopefully I didn't give off the creepy vibe to anyone. It was also easier to be not-shy than it might have been, because Lena gave me a lot of attention, mostly in the form of smiles and hugs. And she and I and Rob played with some electricity and other implements briefly; but that was a little overwhelming, so later we decided to have more negotiation before playing again.
The party started at about 10:00 PM and only went till a little before 2:00 AM, so not a very long party; eventually most people left, but a few crashed out on the couches and the floor mattress. In the morning, Lena came out of Rob's room and hung out with me briefly, since I have the always-wakes-up-early curse; and before she went back in to sleep more she got me a batch of books to read while I waited for everyone else to wake up.
One of the books she brought out was "HaltinG StatE" by Charles Stross. I don't know why I picked that one out of the pile, but after a few initial confusing chapters, it suddenly snapped into focus and I got really into the story!
I essentially never read any sci-fi anymore, although just after I learned to read, it was almost exclusively my preference. Nowadays most sci-fi seems poorly written, with flat characters, overly linear narratives, and just a total lack of any attention to life itself.
The Stross book suffers a little bit less from those problems, though it's not entirely free of them. But the reason I got so into it was because it's all about the geeky world I inhabit. Large numbers of technologies I read about every day are represented there in some relatively realistic future form. My own employer is mentioned multiple times. And it's so cool to hear someone speculate on what the future might be like, relative to what we've got now. It's like reading "Neuromancer", but more pop geek.
So, much to my surprise, I'm actually enjoying it! I still don't know what made me pick it out of a stack of books that included some prime Lovecraft, but apparently this is yet further proof that I should continue to trust my instincts. I'm so glad I learned that lesson long ago.
At about 11:00 AM people started waking up. Ken, who'd slept on the other couch, started folding blankets, putting away the food, and gathering the dishes. So I helped. At one point I remarked, "it's so considerate of you to do all this cleaning," and he replied, "it's what I do." Later I found out he's really into service.
So we cleaned a bit, and people started stumbling into the shower, and then we went to their favorite diner and hung out some more. Hanging out in the morning was not a very shy experience - there were fewer people, and I felt like one of the family. It was very nice.
But really, I was still very tired. After food I went home, and that's where I am now. I plan to spend the day resting, and maybe Lauren will come over later after her date with a newish OK Cupid friend. Maybe I'll watch movies, maybe I'll eat chocolate, maybe I'll code on my web app, maybe I'll read more "HaltinG StatE", maybe I'll read some "Omaha The Cat Dancer", maybe I'll see if Will wants to hang out a bit, and during any of that I'll definitely have some nice non-caffeinated tea.
Yesterday was really good.
Friday, February 19, 2010
I'm a stah! I'm a stah! Oops! Well, no.
So, my TV experience last night was much different than I imagined it would be. At 5:00PM I called up my friend to find out where the studio was, and after we each said hello, he was like, "so, are you still doing the show next week?"
I went back and checked my Google Voice SMS logs, and lo and behold, he totally said, "
That's actually the perfect solution, because on the one hand, it means that if I end up waiting around for my friend, it's because there really was nothing else that I could've been doing; and on the other hand, if they don't like it, they can change the situation by not flaking out on me anymore, at which point I'll take our appointments more seriously, and I won't take other opportunities that conflict with the times I said I'd meet that friend.
So, it's not like I'm trying to train my friend; I don't like training people and I don't like them to train me. But I just don't see why I should take an appointment more seriously than the other person does.
Another reason why this is the perfect solution is that it makes me much less resentful of my flaky friends. I can be totally fine with them being flaky, because I abandon the appointments myself to go do fun things. Their flakiness doesn't typically ruin anything for me.
In this particular case, though, I'm resentful of Phil. He invited me to participate in something that was a pretty big deal, and he should've told me the correct date. This wasn't just skipping out on dinner. I was having all kinds of emotions about getting ready to be on TV, and he was responsible for me going through all that; and it turned out he put me through those emotions for no reason at all.
I went back and checked my Google Voice SMS logs, and lo and behold, he totally said, "
That's actually the perfect solution, because on the one hand, it means that if I end up waiting around for my friend, it's because there really was nothing else that I could've been doing; and on the other hand, if they don't like it, they can change the situation by not flaking out on me anymore, at which point I'll take our appointments more seriously, and I won't take other opportunities that conflict with the times I said I'd meet that friend.
So, it's not like I'm trying to train my friend; I don't like training people and I don't like them to train me. But I just don't see why I should take an appointment more seriously than the other person does.
Another reason why this is the perfect solution is that it makes me much less resentful of my flaky friends. I can be totally fine with them being flaky, because I abandon the appointments myself to go do fun things. Their flakiness doesn't typically ruin anything for me.
In this particular case, though, I'm resentful of Phil. He invited me to participate in something that was a pretty big deal, and he should've told me the correct date. This wasn't just skipping out on dinner. I was having all kinds of emotions about getting ready to be on TV, and he was responsible for me going through all that; and it turned out he put me through those emotions for no reason at all.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Yes, it's true. I'm a stah! Dahling, dahling.
I'm going to be on TV this evening, on the public access cable show "Chess Now", hosted by my friend Phil. This morning I looked in the mirror and thought, "well, there's nothing I can do about that." And I wore my regular outfit of jeans and t-shirt, which is basically all I've got in my wardrobe. So it's going to be just the regular me, only on TV. I have no idea what we'll talk about, but I imagine it'll have something to do with chess.
I have a long history of stage fright, by the way. In gradeschool I played a conglomeration of several characters in a production of "Johnny Tremain". When it was my turn to speak, I said my lines while strategically positioning myself behind the other people on stage.
In Junior High, I was walking through the hall, minding my own business, when a door suddenly burst open in front of me, and a bunch of other kids shouted out, "YOU!" They grabbed hold of me, and told me that I was going to be in their production of Macbeth in 3 days (a play I'd never read), and that I'd be playing a conglomeration of characters as determined by the director, a kid about my own age. Here was the book, heavily marked in pen with all the edits. My parents attended the performance, but to this day they deny ever having been there.
In High School I took an acting class, but there was one day when the teacher told us to pick a monologue to perform, specifically not something spoken by a musician on-stage, and I forgot that detail and picked something by Arlo Guthrie. So the teacher took up the entire class period with an extended humiliation exercise.
Another time in High School a few friends of mine were going to do a comedy show at a bar; but one of them bailed at the last minute. So my friends were like, "Zack! You're going to go on stage and do stand-up! PLEEEEEASE!!!!" So I went on stage, and I believe there was no laughter at any point during my routine. The most humiliating part, however, was when the mother of one of my friends told me afterwards, "I though you were pretty good," and I said, "really??" I mean, I knew I'd been the worst bomb that bar had probably ever seen. But still, someone throws me a little bone to mitigate the weight of eternal shame, and I just swallowed it whole. And as I was swallowing it, I thought to myself, "I just had the most pathetic response to someone throwing me a bone that I could possibly have had."
Occasionally I've been invited to professional conferences in my adulthood, and nowadays I just turn them down flat. You couldn't drag me into a panel discussion in front of people. Forget it! Thank you very much, I appreciate that there's possibly some money in it for me, but I'd rather just stay in my room listening to my latest recording of fingernails on chalkboards.
And here I am about to appear on "Chess Now". Why am I doing this? Well, partly it's because I like and trust Phil, partly because I've been playing chess all my life and have some interesting stories that may or may not come up during the show, partly it's because TV production is fascinating, and partly it's because it's possible that a future episode might be about another game I love and adore and created myself. So it's a mixture of various motivations that's brought me to the point of braving the waters of total humiliation yet again. Yay!
I have a long history of stage fright, by the way. In gradeschool I played a conglomeration of several characters in a production of "Johnny Tremain". When it was my turn to speak, I said my lines while strategically positioning myself behind the other people on stage.
In Junior High, I was walking through the hall, minding my own business, when a door suddenly burst open in front of me, and a bunch of other kids shouted out, "YOU!" They grabbed hold of me, and told me that I was going to be in their production of Macbeth in 3 days (a play I'd never read), and that I'd be playing a conglomeration of characters as determined by the director, a kid about my own age. Here was the book, heavily marked in pen with all the edits. My parents attended the performance, but to this day they deny ever having been there.
In High School I took an acting class, but there was one day when the teacher told us to pick a monologue to perform, specifically not something spoken by a musician on-stage, and I forgot that detail and picked something by Arlo Guthrie. So the teacher took up the entire class period with an extended humiliation exercise.
Another time in High School a few friends of mine were going to do a comedy show at a bar; but one of them bailed at the last minute. So my friends were like, "Zack! You're going to go on stage and do stand-up! PLEEEEEASE!!!!" So I went on stage, and I believe there was no laughter at any point during my routine. The most humiliating part, however, was when the mother of one of my friends told me afterwards, "I though you were pretty good," and I said, "really??" I mean, I knew I'd been the worst bomb that bar had probably ever seen. But still, someone throws me a little bone to mitigate the weight of eternal shame, and I just swallowed it whole. And as I was swallowing it, I thought to myself, "I just had the most pathetic response to someone throwing me a bone that I could possibly have had."
Occasionally I've been invited to professional conferences in my adulthood, and nowadays I just turn them down flat. You couldn't drag me into a panel discussion in front of people. Forget it! Thank you very much, I appreciate that there's possibly some money in it for me, but I'd rather just stay in my room listening to my latest recording of fingernails on chalkboards.
And here I am about to appear on "Chess Now". Why am I doing this? Well, partly it's because I like and trust Phil, partly because I've been playing chess all my life and have some interesting stories that may or may not come up during the show, partly it's because TV production is fascinating, and partly it's because it's possible that a future episode might be about another game I love and adore and created myself. So it's a mixture of various motivations that's brought me to the point of braving the waters of total humiliation yet again. Yay!
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